Strong

She was always strong, independent. So, I always wondered why she married someone like him. He was mean and miserable to everyone. Why she loved him, I didn’t understand. He never hurt anyone, physically. She always kept her kids safe, away from him. When I was older, I moved out to go to school. I was strong, independent. I met someone. The guy I met was like him, but I couldn’t see this. I thought I loved him, but he hurt me…not physically. I don’t know why I stayed as long as I did. I don’t know why I suddenly needed support for everyone in my life. When did I suddenly become so desperate and needy? What happened to me? Finally, I got mad and said no more. It didn’t really hurt anymore because I stopped caring. I felt free and strong and independent. I understood why she stayed with him. Now, I don’t understand why she won’t leave him. Freedom feels good. It always hurts a little, but worth it. I still can’t get her to understand. My life goes on. I am single for a long time. It’s better to be along than scared and hurt. I meet someone else. This new guy is just like him, again. I don’t see it. I am with him for longer than I have ever been with anyone. They always start out as nice, gentlemen. Then they change, but you don’t notice it really. You wake up one morning and notice it. Damn it. Now I see why she stays with him. It’s the same reason I stay with mine. It’s nothing that I can explain. You have to experience it. I won’t leave him until my heart and mind have already let go. It’s easier that way. You don’t hurt so badly and you’re ready for the freedom because you are already alone, even when you’re with him. I just wish he would disappear or even better, leave me. He won’t, they never do. I call her and we talk about them. She tells me I should leave him and not end up like her. I am silent. She knows what she is into. Why does she stay? Why am I staying? I say things get better with him and she does not really understand my situation. She does. She used to play along with me when I said things were getting better. They really were. Now, she does not play along anymore. I don’t want to talk about it anymore. We talk about school and home. I don’t want to admit this to anyone, but I want it to be over with him. It’s been over for me. So, I don’t know what I am waiting for. I busy myself with school and work. No one can voice a complaint when I do that. That’s where I am now, busying myself with school. Hoping he ends it. I understand my mom now. I know my mom understands me. I know she is right.